Breaking: Oregon Legislators Try To Ban All Of The Things

Please, illegally inspect my property. I’ll just stand over here screaming in handcuffs.

Legislators in Oregon apparently can’t go twenty-four hours without spearheading another attempt to ban something. As an Oregonian myself, I’ve gotten the amazing opportunity to watch this timeline play out from the front lines. On Wednesday, our senators said they weren’t going to push any further legislation restricting firearms. We were happy. Life was good. Until Thursday, when they introduced the hugest, most terrible piece of gun legislation of ever.

If you haven’t heard about HB3200, what it does in a nutshell is that it designates most modern weapons as “assault weapons” (and you know I’m cheering from the sidelines on that one…) and then bans assault weapons. If this bill passes, Oregonians would be allowed only to own one assault weapon and three “high-capacity” magazines holding ten rounds. Even then, that’s only if those items are registered with the Police department.

Things that determine an “assault weapon” are scary features like “a detachable magazine” and “a folding or telescoping stock” and “a shroud attached to the barrel … allowing the bearer to hold the firearm with the nontrigger hand without being burned.”

God help us, he’s holding the gun with two hands.

My favorite part is that the bill also designates ‘semi-automatic pistols with telescoping stocks and a shroud on the barrel to prevent the user’s non-trigger hand from being burned’ as assault weapons.

Because that’s a thing.

My extra-special favorite part is that the Police department can come into your house at any time to check up and make sure that the assault weapon, your handy .45 S&W Pistol or any death-dealing scary monstrosity of choice, is stored properly – which means locked away in a case where it does absolutely no f@*king good. At all.

Not to mention that the police are totally coming into your house without a warrant to make sure that you’re complying with the state’s unconstitutional gun laws.

The word “totalitarianism” does not describe this situation at all, clearly.

Now, however, the main sponsor for this bill, Rep. Mitch Greenlick (D) (Obviously) is backpedaling like a panicking FPS newbie holding a sniper rifle. And this is the guy who wanted to make nicotine a class III controlled substance, available by prescription only.

“Hi, Doc. My lungs are really clean and healthy, could you prescribe something to help?”

However, Sen. Ginny Burdick (D) (I don’t need to keep saying that) is still promoting the bill. She’s also the lady who said on Wednesday that she wasn’t going to promote a gun control bill.

So, that’s cool.

And now, back to our timeline of helpful lawmakers pushing helpful legislation, it was yesterday that the very same Ginny Burdick decided that she was frustrated with drivers that hog the left lane on freeways. Honestly, who isn’t. So naturally, as is the modus operandi for Democrat legislators in this state, they’re going to try to ban that too.

I have a little message for progressive legislators across the country: STOP. BANNING EVERYTHING.

Seriously.

These legislators are like irresponsible teenagers with money. “Well, I have $1000. I guess I’ll spend it on twelve lava lamps, hockey gear, and a Doberman.” Just because you have the capacity to ban anything that looks at you funny, doesn’t mean that you should. Unfortunately, I suspect that Oregon’s legislators don’t have a concept of should other than “I should ruin everybody’s lives,” because they really place no value on the freedom of others, and have no faith in the ability for people to solve their own damn problems.

But since there’s still bullying in schools, let’s ban hugging. That seems reasonable, doesn’t it?